I've realized long before that we were all special. Every living creature that can understand itself and know that it is separate yet part of everything. I think we make up our existence. Its as if we can't imagine something until we have the language to observe it. Our observations are allowed because of the senses we have. there is so much I don't understand and maybe if i read some of these books I have downloaded on Evolution, Quantum Theory, Microbiology, Astronomy, etc. I will learn more about evolutionary biology.
It's so amazing that I can't even comprehend how amazing it is. I can imagine though, and our imaginations are something we need to nourish and nurture. I wish I was a kid again because I've lost my imagination.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Killing Us Softly 3
Sometimes I wish I wasn't attractive so I could be forced to only worry about my mind. I don't know, but I know that all men care about is our looks. They never listen about our feelings or our intellect. I'm find I am more reflective and intelligent than maybe men I meet, yet they fail to realize it. I feel so helpless and powerless, and as a woman it seems that men want it that way. We learn most of our gender roles, we learn that our worth is measured on our looks. So what happens when we get old? We become worthless. I hate men.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
The Face of Mental Illness
Everyone loves story about a person that goes from rags to riches. Most of us dream big. We all love to see people like ourselves or even those that are worse off than us defeating the odds and making something of themselves. Everyone loves to see how that child that grew up with abuse and poverty go off to college and help the very same type of person that they used to be. Perhaps this speaks to the very core of what it is to be human, to rise above the barriers of adversity, self doubt, and complete hopelessness. Maybe this sparks hope in us; it makes us believe that even we can step up to heights in the world that we never thought we could reach. It’s as if we feel that if someone suffers enough, they are worthy of great things. If someone changes themselves so completely from the person they were we believe they deserve help. I am no different from the average person when it comes enjoying these sort of miracles. I do enjoy the unrealistic Hollywood movies that make it all seem so easy.
I never saw myself as worthy of anything. In fact, it seems I still feel I am not worthy of anything good, only suffering and pain. No one expected anything of me so there really is no reason for me to feel I’m not worthless. I have no dreams, only nightmares. I dream of the horrible fate I will face, or the hopelessness of my situation. I believe that I will never amount to anything or do anything with my life. I believe I am worthless, stupid, and doomed. I don’t believe in myself and I never have. Thoughts of how worthless and hopeless I am run through my brain constantly, literally. I am in a constant state of anxiety unless I am distracted. I pick, cut, and burn my skin. I suffer from social anxiety so badly that I have urinated in a trash can and starved just because I was too afraid to leave the bedroom and see my boyfriend’s parents. I hate myself and am full of that much shame sometimes.
I think it is time that I got what I deserve, what everyone deserves really. I want a chance to thrive. I want to be that example that shows everyone that it is possible to conquer your own self hatred and doubt to go on and help others do the same. I want to dream and I want that dream to come true. I know my dreams are possible but I don’t believe in myself enough to even have any serious ones. I greatly admire scientist and especially neuroscientist; however I know I don’t have a chance in hell of ever becoming one. Sometimes too many odds are stacked against you. I know that I’m a black female from a poor upbringing, with too many mental illness to count, and bad genes, case closed. Welcome to my personal hell.
Nothing touches me more than survivors of the holocaust. As a child I’d lie in bed and imagine myself suffering the same fate as holocaust victims. I’d shake with tears of sorrow and pain as I imagined being burned alive in the ovens. I wrote reports about it, poems, all accompanied with a strange fascination with the horror of it all. In seventh grade the teacher read my poem out loud in class, and also told my English teacher about my report and he gave me extra credit. Of course I was embarrassed about this and wanted to disappear. Then I never knew that those teachers actually cared about me and saw something special in me that I couldn’t see. Even now as an adult I imagine myself experiencing even greater horrors I didn’t even know of as that young child. After finding out that some Jews met the horrible unimaginable horror of being operated on while fully conscious, I imagined myself to be lying on an operating table. I imagined all of the graphic details that don’t exist and have never been spoken of.
I don’t know why human suffering has always haunted my mind. Perhaps it was my religious upbringing as a child. It was well known that Jehovah’s Witnesses were placed in concentration camps. In fact it seemed to me while growing up as if they bragged about it as a rite of passage as the chosen religion of God. This could be the reason why I still make myself suffer with the most horrid of thoughts. Or perhaps, I feel if I suffer enough I will finally be worthy of something good. I have not suffered anything close to that of the victims of the holocaust, or even many other people that suffer with mental illness. Maybe it is my mental illness itself that leads me to think this way, to believe that I need to suffer in order to relieve my guilt. Or perhaps like many, I believe if one suffers enough, they are worthy of good things. Maybe I think that if I suffer enough, I will actually believe I deserve better.
My childhood was one full of isolation and suffocating depression. Jehovah’s Witnesses are discouraged from associating with non Jehovah’s Witnesses. So I grew up with no real friends in school. My family was also poor, my father was permanently injured at work and we survived on his disability check. A family of seven surviving on $1,000 a month isn’t pretty. My mother used to work but was asked to stop by the church for reasons I’m to bitter to face. So of course in combination of being the weird kid that other children picked on I was also the poor kid that was picked on. Jehovah’s Witnesses are also discouraged from getting a higher education and even valuing education. The reasons for this are very obvious. If someone were to simply investigate on the history and logic of the religion they would fail to see the truth in it. They would also see the negatives which are great. I had no guidance as a child; no encouragement to do anything but exist in misery with the idea that paradise would be here before I was an adult so there was no need to focus and do well in school. Very little studies have been done on Jehovah’s Witnesses and mental illness, but the few studies I have read about show a huge above average rate of mental illnesses among members.
I won’t get into this, there is too much to say, too much pain and regret that rises inside of me to bear without sounding bitter. All I can say is that it has had a profound effect on who I am today and the mental illness I fight against daily. I believe it aided in my diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I do not consider this to be the sole source of my suffering. Anyone that has taken psychology 101 will tell you that it is a combination of genes and environment that makes us who we are. I can say that I got stiffed on both accounts, giving faulty genes and an unstable environment as a child due to many factors.
My entire family is mentally ill. My sisters joke about the abuse and neglect that occurred. I recently sat across from my therapist describing some of the happenings. She had a hidden look of disgust and pity in her eyes as I giggled while telling the story of the flying block of ice cream hurled at my brother and how my sister was shaken to the tune of the Flight of the Bumble Bee song. My sisters used to tell guests about how they made a clay monster equipped with a voice recorder bellowing a scary voice to scare me when I was around five years old. Thankfully they left out the part about how they did it to try and scare me out of masturbating, something forbidden by Jehovah’s Witnesses and many other churches I assume. I used to imagine demons coming to get me for masturbating. My mother referred to it as ‘tight legs’. I’ll let you decide the reason for this nickname.
By far my brother received the worst abuse out of all of us. My father used to have bible studies and abused my brother when he got something wrong. To this day I have no relationship with my brother because he isolated himself from the family before I was born to avoid my father. I have literally not had more than 1 conversation with him that I can remember, and I lack the courage to try to start a relationship with him now. He lived in the house with us but never interacted with anyone other than my mother. My only friends were my sisters, who were depressed and suicidal. I remember the suicide pact we all made, if we weren’t married by age 25 we would kill ourselves.
My sisters hated being black and hated black men; I remember the Ken dolls they used to teach me that black men were ugly and that marrying a white man is the ideal. My older sister tormented me with constant nastiness, insults, and put downs. She purposely played games with me just to watch me lose so she could call me stupid. This inevitably was her way of releasing the flack that my two older sisters gave her. I remember them telling her about how they once planned to kill her and my mother. In the end we were all close and had each other, my brother had no one. I feel so bad for him, for my sisters, my mother, even my father. My father grew up in foster care and was also handed bad genes. I watched him die a painful death from cancer with no support or acknowledgement of the reality of it all. No one deserves to suffer as he did. They cycle is hard to break and if he had love when he was a child it wouldn’t have been this way.
I was embarrassed to tell my therapist about how truly pathetic I was. I did tell her about the time that I went on a date with a coworker that told me he systematically raped his ex girlfriend over a period of three days without a care. I also didn’t care that after getting mad drunk he tried to force me to perform oral sex on him. I felt I knew what he was capable of so I had no right to complain about anything he did and that I would deserve anything he did to me. I sometimes fantasize about being humiliated, tortured, and raped, and it isn’t an attempt at sexual satisfaction. It’s as if at least I know I’m wanted if someone tries to rape me. I am fully aware of my complete lack of self-esteem; I often use it as a defense against my failures in life. I see it as the reason why I was unable to accept the love that my first boyfriend gave me and the love I continue to avoid. He was simply to caring and compassionate for me to accept. I had to go and find someone as broken as me, someone that would treat me like the piece of crap that I was.
I haven’t worked in two years, I spend my time playing World of Warcraft and sleeping. I’m on medication and it does help, but it doesn’t cure. The only thing that makes me feel better is marijuana which is illegal and by many of the ignorant masses demonized. Although I feel it should be okay for me to smoke if it stops me from feeling depressed, suicidal, cutting, and burning myself, others beg to differ. Not to mention the side effects of the medications, some causing Tardive dyskinesia, flu like withdrawal symptoms, and even death yet still fail to yield the same relief as marijuana. I just chalk it all up to money, politics, ignorance, and corruption; an inevitable part of our society. Unfortunately I am highly affected by what people think about me, even if they don’t know what I’m doing. I am haunted by what ifs and if they knew what I was doing. Perhaps I’m afraid of my family who are still Jehovah’s Witnesses finding out about my exploration into drugs and sex.
I was once disowned by my sister. I don’t blame her for what she did; she was conditioned by the religion to look down on others that weren’t members of the church. Coincidentally my attempt at suicide that night brought her said expulsion of me to a teary and guilt ridden end. I am lucky; my family has accepted me for the most part, or those parts of me that I have exposed to them. Many ex Jehovah’s witnesses are disowned by their families and sadly some of these situations end in suicide.
Currently I am in an abusive relationship. He was upfront and honest about his drug addiction from the start. I think this is what attracted me to him; that and the fact that he was a very handsome white male. Here was someone I couldn’t disappoint; someone that had low self esteem like me so he wouldn’t leave me yet was everything I was taught to go for minus the addiction. I hate to go down the list of the things he did to me but I guess to get the full idea of how bad my depression and mental illness is I must. I remember telling my therapist about the things he’s done so she could also get an idea of how messed up I really was. I told her about how early I our relationship he was addicted to cocaine and stole and conned me out of over a thousand dollars. I wrote bad checks so he could supposedly pay off his drug dealer who he said threatened his life. I told her about how he held a knife to my throat and told me he was going to kill me. Later he convinced me to take a bunch of pills so I could overdose and die. I don’t believe he expected me to die, but I took the pills while sobbing like a pathetic piece of blubber.
What I didn’t tell my therapist was that the same night he tried to burn my vagina with a lighter because I had had sex with my ex boyfriend and he found out about it. I guess I deserved what I got though the dysfunction in our relationship left little room for a concept of commitment. He went on a spree of degradation of me, he told me how worthless I was, how I was a fucked up nut job with a fucked up cultic family. I can’t remember most of what he said but it was the most horrible things anyone could ever say to another human being. I shave my head due to trichotillomania. I am also black and despise my nappy hair so I just wear a wig. This is a very if not the most sensitive topic for me and a source of self hatred especially since I was made fun of about my hair as a child. He went on about how I was a worthless nigger and ripped my wig off my head and threw it out of the window. He said he was going to wake up his parents so they can see how ugly I was. By this time I was a convulsing piece of humiliated crap on the floor begging for mercy. The sick part is that I wanted more. Eventually he went to sleep and I forced myself to throw up the pills in fear that I would die. At the time he fed them to me I secretly wanted them because I felt so horrible.
I slept for most of the next day. He was still angry at me and I was too drugged up to drive home. He decided he wanted me to go home but something in me wanted to stay. Eventually I decided to call 911. The cops came and I told them what happened the day before. I doubt they believed me because I was so messed up from the pills. In the end I showed one of the cops the mark on my neck from the knife he held to it, she must have seen it but perhaps she thought that I did it myself. In the end I went off to the hospital after hugging him after he asked if I wanted him to visit me in the mental hospital.
I called my ex boyfriend in the middle of the night who came to pick me up from the hospital which was a one hour trip for him. That week I was full of hopelessness, shame, and bitterness. He claimed that no one would believe me because I was a just a nigger and his dad was an important person. I honestly can’t deny this although I don’t want to believe it, but it seems strange that they told him and his family not to let me come back again after I went off in the ambulance if they believed what I said. He also claimed that the cops were notoriously racist, something I don’t want to believe. The worse part is that I came back, and he didn’t tell his parents what really happened. I remember his mother hiding his pills so I couldn’t take them. It hurt me so much that they believed I was some psycho and that they didn’t want me there. His father came to the hospital I guess to see me which made me feel a bit better, but I was too ashamed to even acknowledge him. We had our share of fights, sometimes I instigated them. One Thanksgiving his brother came to visit and I remember the two of us choking each other upstairs. I laugh about it now; perhaps like my sisters this kind of dysfunction seems better when made light of. I find it funny that I’m a black woman dating an openly racist white guy that uses the N word hourly.
I in no way blame him for being who he is. He was taught to be racist by his friends, as I was taught to be racist against my own race. Strangely enough he has actually made me feel better about my hair because now he constantly tells me how cute I am with a shaved head. I know that he is someone that also suffers from mental illness and I wish him the best as should everyone else. I know the lows he has seen and the regret and guilt he tries to drink away.
I hope our society can start treating the mentally ill, and that includes drug addicts, with the empathy they deserve. I include myself in this statement because I have belted out the blows just as he has. After I comforted him after he had a depressive episode he told me I am a beautiful person. He feels as if he doesn’t deserve empathy because of all of the things he’s done. I told him he does and that what he does isn’t his fault. There are better solutions, better methods of dealing with society’s behavioral problems than jailing or punishing. Whether or not they produce a desirable effect in the person in the long run I don’t know. However I do now that according to our own values, if someone isn’t at fault for something they shouldn’t pay, and according to science, no one is in control of their behavior in reality. This is just a fact too scary for most people to accept so they don’t even consider that maybe if we treat people humanely they might return the favor.
If I have learned one thing it is that blaming is useless, however identifying the sources of my suffering has been helpful in my attempt to recover from the scars I still continue to dig into. Blaming anyone or anything is pointless. It does not solve the problem; it even fails to identify the actual source of the problem. Blaming a person is blaming their conscious self which has no control over what happens in the brain. The conscious self is just a tool the brain uses to receive information from the senses that it can process in whatever way it chooses to. Through my experiences in life I have learned that we are products of our environment and biology. We can only work with what we are given, and if we are only given disappointment, anger, hatred, and pain that is all we will ever reproduce. Of course it is human nature to feel the need to blame something and seek revenge, but that doesn’t mean it is the best way to go about things. Bad brain scans and bad genes are only the tip of the iceberg. So many factors including human nature lead us to behave as we do. The cycle is hard to break and usually takes an outside influence to change in cases where change is possible.
I have found that I crave suffering. I search it out unconsciously sometimes, feasting on everything that ruins me. For me to even attempt to change and make myself happy is in itself an achievement. My mom used to say that a dog will return to its vomit. I believe it was a quote from the bible, something I consider to be an enemy to human knowledge and advancement, yet something that sometimes perfectly describes reality. However, I learned all of this from my studies in the behavioral sciences. We do what we know. In order to do something different, we need to learn something different.
I know I am a beautiful person, I just can’t accept it. I know that I am smart enough to know that what I know is true. That is what depression and mental illness is, it isn’t rational, it doesn’t reason. It takes over your mind and distorts your thinking; it changes your behavior and affects every aspect of your life. I know why I am the way I am. I majored in psychology when I was in school. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel even though I know it’s there. No one chooses to be mentally ill, who would? Murders and serial killers are also mentally ill; their actions horrify us like that of the Nazi doctors that performed surgeries. People are scared of bad behavior so they blame and hate instead of trying to find the source of the problem which is not an individual. It is a vast system of brain processes that makes us who we are and do what we do.
Some people are defective; some are abused, some are taught to hate and develop an undesirable personality as a child. If a child was not shown love and empathy while growing up how on earth can they magically develop the ability to show it? I might not seem qualified to make this assertion, but I guarantee that any neuroscientist would agree with me including the ones that write the books. I am by no means an idealist, the story I have told has made this obvious. I am a realist. Perhaps it’s time society joined me on that front. Perhaps some have to walk in my shoes before they are capable of understanding that hating and blaming are not the way to deal with mental illness in our society. I guess in a way my mental illness has made me a better person. Despite the fact that I may be contemplating suicide tomorrow, am thankful for that.
I never saw myself as worthy of anything. In fact, it seems I still feel I am not worthy of anything good, only suffering and pain. No one expected anything of me so there really is no reason for me to feel I’m not worthless. I have no dreams, only nightmares. I dream of the horrible fate I will face, or the hopelessness of my situation. I believe that I will never amount to anything or do anything with my life. I believe I am worthless, stupid, and doomed. I don’t believe in myself and I never have. Thoughts of how worthless and hopeless I am run through my brain constantly, literally. I am in a constant state of anxiety unless I am distracted. I pick, cut, and burn my skin. I suffer from social anxiety so badly that I have urinated in a trash can and starved just because I was too afraid to leave the bedroom and see my boyfriend’s parents. I hate myself and am full of that much shame sometimes.
I think it is time that I got what I deserve, what everyone deserves really. I want a chance to thrive. I want to be that example that shows everyone that it is possible to conquer your own self hatred and doubt to go on and help others do the same. I want to dream and I want that dream to come true. I know my dreams are possible but I don’t believe in myself enough to even have any serious ones. I greatly admire scientist and especially neuroscientist; however I know I don’t have a chance in hell of ever becoming one. Sometimes too many odds are stacked against you. I know that I’m a black female from a poor upbringing, with too many mental illness to count, and bad genes, case closed. Welcome to my personal hell.
Nothing touches me more than survivors of the holocaust. As a child I’d lie in bed and imagine myself suffering the same fate as holocaust victims. I’d shake with tears of sorrow and pain as I imagined being burned alive in the ovens. I wrote reports about it, poems, all accompanied with a strange fascination with the horror of it all. In seventh grade the teacher read my poem out loud in class, and also told my English teacher about my report and he gave me extra credit. Of course I was embarrassed about this and wanted to disappear. Then I never knew that those teachers actually cared about me and saw something special in me that I couldn’t see. Even now as an adult I imagine myself experiencing even greater horrors I didn’t even know of as that young child. After finding out that some Jews met the horrible unimaginable horror of being operated on while fully conscious, I imagined myself to be lying on an operating table. I imagined all of the graphic details that don’t exist and have never been spoken of.
I don’t know why human suffering has always haunted my mind. Perhaps it was my religious upbringing as a child. It was well known that Jehovah’s Witnesses were placed in concentration camps. In fact it seemed to me while growing up as if they bragged about it as a rite of passage as the chosen religion of God. This could be the reason why I still make myself suffer with the most horrid of thoughts. Or perhaps, I feel if I suffer enough I will finally be worthy of something good. I have not suffered anything close to that of the victims of the holocaust, or even many other people that suffer with mental illness. Maybe it is my mental illness itself that leads me to think this way, to believe that I need to suffer in order to relieve my guilt. Or perhaps like many, I believe if one suffers enough, they are worthy of good things. Maybe I think that if I suffer enough, I will actually believe I deserve better.
My childhood was one full of isolation and suffocating depression. Jehovah’s Witnesses are discouraged from associating with non Jehovah’s Witnesses. So I grew up with no real friends in school. My family was also poor, my father was permanently injured at work and we survived on his disability check. A family of seven surviving on $1,000 a month isn’t pretty. My mother used to work but was asked to stop by the church for reasons I’m to bitter to face. So of course in combination of being the weird kid that other children picked on I was also the poor kid that was picked on. Jehovah’s Witnesses are also discouraged from getting a higher education and even valuing education. The reasons for this are very obvious. If someone were to simply investigate on the history and logic of the religion they would fail to see the truth in it. They would also see the negatives which are great. I had no guidance as a child; no encouragement to do anything but exist in misery with the idea that paradise would be here before I was an adult so there was no need to focus and do well in school. Very little studies have been done on Jehovah’s Witnesses and mental illness, but the few studies I have read about show a huge above average rate of mental illnesses among members.
I won’t get into this, there is too much to say, too much pain and regret that rises inside of me to bear without sounding bitter. All I can say is that it has had a profound effect on who I am today and the mental illness I fight against daily. I believe it aided in my diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I do not consider this to be the sole source of my suffering. Anyone that has taken psychology 101 will tell you that it is a combination of genes and environment that makes us who we are. I can say that I got stiffed on both accounts, giving faulty genes and an unstable environment as a child due to many factors.
My entire family is mentally ill. My sisters joke about the abuse and neglect that occurred. I recently sat across from my therapist describing some of the happenings. She had a hidden look of disgust and pity in her eyes as I giggled while telling the story of the flying block of ice cream hurled at my brother and how my sister was shaken to the tune of the Flight of the Bumble Bee song. My sisters used to tell guests about how they made a clay monster equipped with a voice recorder bellowing a scary voice to scare me when I was around five years old. Thankfully they left out the part about how they did it to try and scare me out of masturbating, something forbidden by Jehovah’s Witnesses and many other churches I assume. I used to imagine demons coming to get me for masturbating. My mother referred to it as ‘tight legs’. I’ll let you decide the reason for this nickname.
By far my brother received the worst abuse out of all of us. My father used to have bible studies and abused my brother when he got something wrong. To this day I have no relationship with my brother because he isolated himself from the family before I was born to avoid my father. I have literally not had more than 1 conversation with him that I can remember, and I lack the courage to try to start a relationship with him now. He lived in the house with us but never interacted with anyone other than my mother. My only friends were my sisters, who were depressed and suicidal. I remember the suicide pact we all made, if we weren’t married by age 25 we would kill ourselves.
My sisters hated being black and hated black men; I remember the Ken dolls they used to teach me that black men were ugly and that marrying a white man is the ideal. My older sister tormented me with constant nastiness, insults, and put downs. She purposely played games with me just to watch me lose so she could call me stupid. This inevitably was her way of releasing the flack that my two older sisters gave her. I remember them telling her about how they once planned to kill her and my mother. In the end we were all close and had each other, my brother had no one. I feel so bad for him, for my sisters, my mother, even my father. My father grew up in foster care and was also handed bad genes. I watched him die a painful death from cancer with no support or acknowledgement of the reality of it all. No one deserves to suffer as he did. They cycle is hard to break and if he had love when he was a child it wouldn’t have been this way.
I was embarrassed to tell my therapist about how truly pathetic I was. I did tell her about the time that I went on a date with a coworker that told me he systematically raped his ex girlfriend over a period of three days without a care. I also didn’t care that after getting mad drunk he tried to force me to perform oral sex on him. I felt I knew what he was capable of so I had no right to complain about anything he did and that I would deserve anything he did to me. I sometimes fantasize about being humiliated, tortured, and raped, and it isn’t an attempt at sexual satisfaction. It’s as if at least I know I’m wanted if someone tries to rape me. I am fully aware of my complete lack of self-esteem; I often use it as a defense against my failures in life. I see it as the reason why I was unable to accept the love that my first boyfriend gave me and the love I continue to avoid. He was simply to caring and compassionate for me to accept. I had to go and find someone as broken as me, someone that would treat me like the piece of crap that I was.
I haven’t worked in two years, I spend my time playing World of Warcraft and sleeping. I’m on medication and it does help, but it doesn’t cure. The only thing that makes me feel better is marijuana which is illegal and by many of the ignorant masses demonized. Although I feel it should be okay for me to smoke if it stops me from feeling depressed, suicidal, cutting, and burning myself, others beg to differ. Not to mention the side effects of the medications, some causing Tardive dyskinesia, flu like withdrawal symptoms, and even death yet still fail to yield the same relief as marijuana. I just chalk it all up to money, politics, ignorance, and corruption; an inevitable part of our society. Unfortunately I am highly affected by what people think about me, even if they don’t know what I’m doing. I am haunted by what ifs and if they knew what I was doing. Perhaps I’m afraid of my family who are still Jehovah’s Witnesses finding out about my exploration into drugs and sex.
I was once disowned by my sister. I don’t blame her for what she did; she was conditioned by the religion to look down on others that weren’t members of the church. Coincidentally my attempt at suicide that night brought her said expulsion of me to a teary and guilt ridden end. I am lucky; my family has accepted me for the most part, or those parts of me that I have exposed to them. Many ex Jehovah’s witnesses are disowned by their families and sadly some of these situations end in suicide.
Currently I am in an abusive relationship. He was upfront and honest about his drug addiction from the start. I think this is what attracted me to him; that and the fact that he was a very handsome white male. Here was someone I couldn’t disappoint; someone that had low self esteem like me so he wouldn’t leave me yet was everything I was taught to go for minus the addiction. I hate to go down the list of the things he did to me but I guess to get the full idea of how bad my depression and mental illness is I must. I remember telling my therapist about the things he’s done so she could also get an idea of how messed up I really was. I told her about how early I our relationship he was addicted to cocaine and stole and conned me out of over a thousand dollars. I wrote bad checks so he could supposedly pay off his drug dealer who he said threatened his life. I told her about how he held a knife to my throat and told me he was going to kill me. Later he convinced me to take a bunch of pills so I could overdose and die. I don’t believe he expected me to die, but I took the pills while sobbing like a pathetic piece of blubber.
What I didn’t tell my therapist was that the same night he tried to burn my vagina with a lighter because I had had sex with my ex boyfriend and he found out about it. I guess I deserved what I got though the dysfunction in our relationship left little room for a concept of commitment. He went on a spree of degradation of me, he told me how worthless I was, how I was a fucked up nut job with a fucked up cultic family. I can’t remember most of what he said but it was the most horrible things anyone could ever say to another human being. I shave my head due to trichotillomania. I am also black and despise my nappy hair so I just wear a wig. This is a very if not the most sensitive topic for me and a source of self hatred especially since I was made fun of about my hair as a child. He went on about how I was a worthless nigger and ripped my wig off my head and threw it out of the window. He said he was going to wake up his parents so they can see how ugly I was. By this time I was a convulsing piece of humiliated crap on the floor begging for mercy. The sick part is that I wanted more. Eventually he went to sleep and I forced myself to throw up the pills in fear that I would die. At the time he fed them to me I secretly wanted them because I felt so horrible.
I slept for most of the next day. He was still angry at me and I was too drugged up to drive home. He decided he wanted me to go home but something in me wanted to stay. Eventually I decided to call 911. The cops came and I told them what happened the day before. I doubt they believed me because I was so messed up from the pills. In the end I showed one of the cops the mark on my neck from the knife he held to it, she must have seen it but perhaps she thought that I did it myself. In the end I went off to the hospital after hugging him after he asked if I wanted him to visit me in the mental hospital.
I called my ex boyfriend in the middle of the night who came to pick me up from the hospital which was a one hour trip for him. That week I was full of hopelessness, shame, and bitterness. He claimed that no one would believe me because I was a just a nigger and his dad was an important person. I honestly can’t deny this although I don’t want to believe it, but it seems strange that they told him and his family not to let me come back again after I went off in the ambulance if they believed what I said. He also claimed that the cops were notoriously racist, something I don’t want to believe. The worse part is that I came back, and he didn’t tell his parents what really happened. I remember his mother hiding his pills so I couldn’t take them. It hurt me so much that they believed I was some psycho and that they didn’t want me there. His father came to the hospital I guess to see me which made me feel a bit better, but I was too ashamed to even acknowledge him. We had our share of fights, sometimes I instigated them. One Thanksgiving his brother came to visit and I remember the two of us choking each other upstairs. I laugh about it now; perhaps like my sisters this kind of dysfunction seems better when made light of. I find it funny that I’m a black woman dating an openly racist white guy that uses the N word hourly.
I in no way blame him for being who he is. He was taught to be racist by his friends, as I was taught to be racist against my own race. Strangely enough he has actually made me feel better about my hair because now he constantly tells me how cute I am with a shaved head. I know that he is someone that also suffers from mental illness and I wish him the best as should everyone else. I know the lows he has seen and the regret and guilt he tries to drink away.
I hope our society can start treating the mentally ill, and that includes drug addicts, with the empathy they deserve. I include myself in this statement because I have belted out the blows just as he has. After I comforted him after he had a depressive episode he told me I am a beautiful person. He feels as if he doesn’t deserve empathy because of all of the things he’s done. I told him he does and that what he does isn’t his fault. There are better solutions, better methods of dealing with society’s behavioral problems than jailing or punishing. Whether or not they produce a desirable effect in the person in the long run I don’t know. However I do now that according to our own values, if someone isn’t at fault for something they shouldn’t pay, and according to science, no one is in control of their behavior in reality. This is just a fact too scary for most people to accept so they don’t even consider that maybe if we treat people humanely they might return the favor.
If I have learned one thing it is that blaming is useless, however identifying the sources of my suffering has been helpful in my attempt to recover from the scars I still continue to dig into. Blaming anyone or anything is pointless. It does not solve the problem; it even fails to identify the actual source of the problem. Blaming a person is blaming their conscious self which has no control over what happens in the brain. The conscious self is just a tool the brain uses to receive information from the senses that it can process in whatever way it chooses to. Through my experiences in life I have learned that we are products of our environment and biology. We can only work with what we are given, and if we are only given disappointment, anger, hatred, and pain that is all we will ever reproduce. Of course it is human nature to feel the need to blame something and seek revenge, but that doesn’t mean it is the best way to go about things. Bad brain scans and bad genes are only the tip of the iceberg. So many factors including human nature lead us to behave as we do. The cycle is hard to break and usually takes an outside influence to change in cases where change is possible.
I have found that I crave suffering. I search it out unconsciously sometimes, feasting on everything that ruins me. For me to even attempt to change and make myself happy is in itself an achievement. My mom used to say that a dog will return to its vomit. I believe it was a quote from the bible, something I consider to be an enemy to human knowledge and advancement, yet something that sometimes perfectly describes reality. However, I learned all of this from my studies in the behavioral sciences. We do what we know. In order to do something different, we need to learn something different.
I know I am a beautiful person, I just can’t accept it. I know that I am smart enough to know that what I know is true. That is what depression and mental illness is, it isn’t rational, it doesn’t reason. It takes over your mind and distorts your thinking; it changes your behavior and affects every aspect of your life. I know why I am the way I am. I majored in psychology when I was in school. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel even though I know it’s there. No one chooses to be mentally ill, who would? Murders and serial killers are also mentally ill; their actions horrify us like that of the Nazi doctors that performed surgeries. People are scared of bad behavior so they blame and hate instead of trying to find the source of the problem which is not an individual. It is a vast system of brain processes that makes us who we are and do what we do.
Some people are defective; some are abused, some are taught to hate and develop an undesirable personality as a child. If a child was not shown love and empathy while growing up how on earth can they magically develop the ability to show it? I might not seem qualified to make this assertion, but I guarantee that any neuroscientist would agree with me including the ones that write the books. I am by no means an idealist, the story I have told has made this obvious. I am a realist. Perhaps it’s time society joined me on that front. Perhaps some have to walk in my shoes before they are capable of understanding that hating and blaming are not the way to deal with mental illness in our society. I guess in a way my mental illness has made me a better person. Despite the fact that I may be contemplating suicide tomorrow, am thankful for that.
Monday, September 20, 2010
The Idea of Scientists Going on Strike for Truth is Nice
I feel they should stop allowing for 'loopholes' for religion to squeeze through just because they feel they can't offend anyone. I know there is a great amount of funds, financial support, connections, etc. that will be lost for the field of science due to one admitting that organized religion is bogus, free will, etc. However, what if these scientist all ban together and sign a petition saying that they will no longer aid a society with their exceptional knowledge and skill until the world accepts that organized religion is not only dangerous, but has been a hindrance of science advancement for years. Not to mention they can't reach their full potential with this hanging over their heads. Sadly there are people ignorant enough to kill themselves if they were told by geniuses that their 'faith' was completely bogus and false. However, how many people were upset when they found out that 'blacks' or other races were actually human just like whites and deserved the same treatment. This didn't go over well with the White American public did it?
We all know that the more educated a person is the less religious they are and i'm willing to bet that most of the people we depend on for Scientific breakthroughs are forced to work under the limitations a religious society imposes on them. Why should these scientist continue to sweep 'facts' and evidence under the table to suit the general 'ignorant' public? Science itself produces much better ethical codes we can follow so it can sustain itself and create it's own boundaries for the sake of humanity.
Just think of how our society would suffer if these top people refuse to proceed with their work until the world stops being stupid. Think of the scientist working on a vaccine for HIV having to deal with the Catholic Church that is against condom use, and some 'Christians' against the HPV vaccine. Or stem cell research that has bans in some states because of ignorance of biology. Or having to work under the corrupt eye of the government while they steal any information the scientist gain for their own political gain and needs. Work done by these scientist are dumbed down, misused, and exploited to fit the public DESIRES. Yet these people have no problem using the nice technology these same scientist designed and made possible. Amish people using cars yet claiming they are bad, etc...
The criminal justice system is just about as unjust and heartless as mental asylums were in past centuries. Neuroscience and other professionals advise top officials and policy makers yet they refuse to accept what they are told because it doesn't 'fit the public mood'. This is BS and I'm tired of political correctness and conservatism.
Politics are a huge hindrance of all of the sciences and I for one am sick of it. I learned this in my Human Services class and it is infuriating to have to deal with the ignorance of the public and politics.
When will the general public realize that they are NOT experts on these topics and therefore should take the advice of the professionals since they are unwilling to research and learn for themselves?
The last time our 'society' called on the help of scientists they got the Atomic bomb. How much more will this government demand from it's superior citizens without taking their advice about how to use the technology?
We all know that the more educated a person is the less religious they are and i'm willing to bet that most of the people we depend on for Scientific breakthroughs are forced to work under the limitations a religious society imposes on them. Why should these scientist continue to sweep 'facts' and evidence under the table to suit the general 'ignorant' public? Science itself produces much better ethical codes we can follow so it can sustain itself and create it's own boundaries for the sake of humanity.
Just think of how our society would suffer if these top people refuse to proceed with their work until the world stops being stupid. Think of the scientist working on a vaccine for HIV having to deal with the Catholic Church that is against condom use, and some 'Christians' against the HPV vaccine. Or stem cell research that has bans in some states because of ignorance of biology. Or having to work under the corrupt eye of the government while they steal any information the scientist gain for their own political gain and needs. Work done by these scientist are dumbed down, misused, and exploited to fit the public DESIRES. Yet these people have no problem using the nice technology these same scientist designed and made possible. Amish people using cars yet claiming they are bad, etc...
The criminal justice system is just about as unjust and heartless as mental asylums were in past centuries. Neuroscience and other professionals advise top officials and policy makers yet they refuse to accept what they are told because it doesn't 'fit the public mood'. This is BS and I'm tired of political correctness and conservatism.
Politics are a huge hindrance of all of the sciences and I for one am sick of it. I learned this in my Human Services class and it is infuriating to have to deal with the ignorance of the public and politics.
When will the general public realize that they are NOT experts on these topics and therefore should take the advice of the professionals since they are unwilling to research and learn for themselves?
The last time our 'society' called on the help of scientists they got the Atomic bomb. How much more will this government demand from it's superior citizens without taking their advice about how to use the technology?
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Evolution Evolves
I think in the end our mastery of science will be the next step in human evolution. We have learned so much in the last century it's astounding. Before I thought that evolutionary theory made sense, now I comprehend the theory and see how vast a spectrim of situations it can be applied to. Now that we can comprehend the very system that is allowing us to comprehend it is an amazing feeling. It seems almost endless. Science can explain every single thing that happens. At this moment i can apply evolutionary theory to answer any question of related subject matter. I get it now. I don't agree with it being a theory anymore, to me it is a fact, it just is. I didn't get that before.
Or maybe I'm jumping the gun like a Christian.
Or maybe I'm jumping the gun like a Christian.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
God, Belief, and Reality
I like to think of religious belief as like any other belief. It is not only a belief, but a belief system. It doesn’t have to be but usually becomes one. This makes sense because most religions require a core belief in a deity or God. Religion is taking the concept of a god, applying extra trimmings to it, dumbing it down so that it can be comprehended by the complex human brain and it’s functioning. The concept of god is a concept that can’t really be explained or exist in reality because it is not subjected to the laws of physics, mathematics, nature, etc.. Most people believe what they do because they were conditioned to believe it. If a child is Santa Claus exist, he or she believes it. They also believe in fairies, monsters under the bed, etc. This is because the ability to think logically hasn’t fully developed and the child looks to his parents and elders to guide them and give them the information they need to survive. The parents should also be experienced and therefore can tell the child though actual knowledge what to do and what not to do, what to believe, and what not to believe.
When you believe in something you don't know it for certain hence, "I believe..." not "I know". You might just feel it in your soul. You might believe your husband or wife loves you, but what is the reality? But if there is no evidence of your belief being true, how can it be a ‘fact’? Facts have to be proven; you can’t just claim to ‘know’ your beliefs are facts. You have to provide evidence through study and then proving what you believe happened or exist. Until then, your beliefs are just that; beliefs. Scientifically, you beliefs are a ‘hypothesis’ you have failed to test and come through with consistent evidence to prove your 'belief' is a reality.
So we can say that there are YOUR BELEIFS and REALITY. What if your belief is wrong in reality? To you, it is right to believe your husband loves you, but in reality you could be wrong. I’ve met more than enough people that ‘believed’ they were loved but in reality weren’t or were completely conned. I think there are concepts in our minds, things we know, and things we think we know. Reality and fantasy are two different concepts in our minds. One is influenced by the laws of nature, the other can defy it. This is sort of like beliefs, they can exists, but if it’s impossible for them to exist in reality these beliefs have no real purpose in reality.
A parent that tells a child he/she is a failure, worthless, etc., that child will grow up believing it and having low self-esteem. Some abused children seek abusive partners later in life because they are so used to that lifestyle and system of beliefs that stemmed from it. They were convinced of it by a trusted parent so strongly that they built their lives around the belief that they are worthless. They commonly seek jobs they know are below their skills, relationships that are guaranteed to fail and explain to others why they are worthless and will never amount to anything with the greatest conviction. There is no need to prove that they are worthless with evidence because they BELIEVE that they are. In their reality no matter how much money they make they are worthless. However in actual reality, that person could be making 3 digit figures, helping others, raising his/her children with love, and be the most talented person in the city. Realization comes when this person realizes that they are unhappy with their lives or thoughts and feelings. Or possible if enough people convince them that they aren’t worthless and that they can handle a prestigious job, and are good enough parents, etc. Although someone’s worth can’t be tested so it isn’t the best example.
Many could have unwittingly put religion into this area of the brain that activates while fantasying or accessing the areas responsible in the brain. I’m not a neurosurgeon or even a doctor, but I know that if something makes sense, it is probably true. What if we find that the areas of the brain responsible for logical thinking, reason, facts or memories, etc. shut off or are in low activity in the areas of the brain that active belief? This isn’t science fiction stuff, it’s happening now. I saw a Dateline on television this week and they operated on a woman with obesity. They might have managed to end her overeating through stimulation of a certain area of her brain responsible for appetite. There is so much more in the show and so much more that no one bothers to notice. So can we agree that if religion is not a fact? Because a fact has to be provable right? Mathematics, Physics, and other absolute rules can’t be altered in reality yet theists let God break the rules. If this is the case how can anyone even begin to comprehend him?
Okay if you believe that your religion has protection from science, physics, history, fact, reason, etc. and that it exists in its own universe with many wormholes, black holes, etc. what makes you think that every other single human being should consider or even be capable of comprehending your beliefs? Let’s call your beliefs your ‘faith’. So your faith requires you to live a certain way, eat certain foods, pray, etc. This faith always stems out to influence your values and create even more beliefs. You start to put these beliefs up against each other in your head if there is cognitive dissonance. How can we see it from your eyes and why should we accept it just because you said so? As said before, people can be taken advantage of if they just believe anything they are told.
So if you have no proof that your belief exist in reality you can’t expect other people that do live in reality to believe it. If you believe your beliefs of God is not held to “man’s” ideals or comprehension then he is simply that; Beyond man’s comprehension. So why would I bother praying and worshiping to an incomprehensible God with incomprehensible standards, ideals, structure, or existence? You might say you believe but remember why should I believe you? The battered woman might choose to keep going back because she ‘believes’ her husband lovers her. But don’t we all look at her sadly and just can’t comprehend why she keeps going back? Because her belief that her husband loves her so much is strong enough to make her take the punishment, rationalize away the doubts, downplays the REALITY of his behavior. It’s the same with religious belief.
We have doubts, concerns, and issues, like that the bible is so full of hatred for homosexuals, his endlessly slaying of innocent people, or the outright silliness of the Jonah and the whale, Noah’s Ark, etc. Once in a while these beliefs come in contact with common sense. Maybe you were reading a bible story your kid and they unwittingly said, “The bible’s like a fairy tale!” to you one night. Perhaps in that moment for a second, you think about it and realize that the bible is quite like fables or old stories and fairy tales. What stops you from seeing it that way? Is it because of all of the evidence? You might try to think of all of the evidence but you come up dry. “Didn’t they find the Ark or something?” you might think. “But it just can’t be… I just can’t be wrong about this…” As the doubt mounts and starts to extend on to other things… But now there is noticeable cognitive dissonance. Our brains work to keep all of our beliefs in sync., or cognitive dissonance. At the mere thought of losing family members, church friends, feeling ousted by society many don’t even prod at the little bit of doubt, but some do. Sometimes our own hopes, beliefs, and desires get in the way of our perception of the reality of things. We are blind to truths that others can see so clearly. We fail to apply that concept of reason and common sense that one belief because it is so important to us, our society, and our world.
Our reality gets affected and influenced by many things. Because of brain chemistry, schizophrenics can believe that everyone is against them, that FBI agents are out to get them, that he/she is Jesus Christ. I have personally seen one in a mental hospital go berserk. He sometimes admitted he was mentally ill and knew he wasn’t Jesus Christ, but it was obvious in his eyes that he didn’t believe it. The doctors must have worked to make him accept that he was mentally ill and was not Jesus, but he still could not ‘believe’ it. Perhaps something in his rational mind realized that things just didn’t make sense, or perhaps once in a while he came to his rational self or gave into accept ‘reality’. I wonder if this was better for him, I wonder if such confusion was worth it. However the purpose of our society and most individuals is to get you to reach the same ideals they have set for you, usually not more than they have to offer or share. If your beliefs are unacceptable or out of sync with the society you live you are ostracized by that society.
There must have been times in people’s lives when they tried to rationalize or explain their beliefs. Such as the batter woman and her husband being a good man. If people ask her about her bruises she might deny they exist or that her husband even hit her. If some people still persist she might admit to it but rationalize that she deserves it. If they pursue and the husband gets wind and beats her, she may even blame the concerned people. At this point I imagine most people would back off or say ‘to hell with her’. If someone did attempt to further convince her that her husband is a jerk she might even go on the attack him.
As soon as we are born impressions are made upon us by anything and everything we can comprehend and take in with our senses. The brain is very complex however more and more is being discovered about it. No single person can be the same so how can one single person’s perception of reality be the same? It’s physically impossible to be identical with someone because we each have a different perception or consciousness. We become bias, This is why If in your reality you believe in things even though they have no evidence or proof and in fact makes no sense logically, that’s fine. However, I choose to apply logic and reason in my reality or my ‘perception’ of reality. I think this makes me safer because all of my beliefs are up for being thought on and reasoned with. I don’t need to learn how to live my life because I know what I feel and I know that what makes me happy doesn’t make another person happy. I can see how millions lived before me, what they did and how it went.
You might not want to believe that everything you thought you knew wasn’t really true. Many women are too fearful of what she will lose if she investigates a bit and finds out he was cheating. Maybe it is better to forget about that doubt or concern and put it in the back of your head. s revealed as untrue. To us in reality we don’t understand why this woman keeps going back and taking the abuse. I understand you, because I was you.
All I did was ask a single question that placed my belief in God and religion in the same mind field of logic, reason, and common sense as I did with every other belief, concept, decision, etc. As I moved my belief along the fields of human history, psychology, physics, etc. it took more and more damage. Eventually it just clicked and a ‘knew’ that God doesn’t exist in reality. I never stopped and never looked back.
After I had stopped keeping my ‘belief’ in God and the bible. They went together as a pair like identical twins. There was God and religion, never God or religion
When you believe in something you don't know it for certain hence, "I believe..." not "I know". You might just feel it in your soul. You might believe your husband or wife loves you, but what is the reality? But if there is no evidence of your belief being true, how can it be a ‘fact’? Facts have to be proven; you can’t just claim to ‘know’ your beliefs are facts. You have to provide evidence through study and then proving what you believe happened or exist. Until then, your beliefs are just that; beliefs. Scientifically, you beliefs are a ‘hypothesis’ you have failed to test and come through with consistent evidence to prove your 'belief' is a reality.
So we can say that there are YOUR BELEIFS and REALITY. What if your belief is wrong in reality? To you, it is right to believe your husband loves you, but in reality you could be wrong. I’ve met more than enough people that ‘believed’ they were loved but in reality weren’t or were completely conned. I think there are concepts in our minds, things we know, and things we think we know. Reality and fantasy are two different concepts in our minds. One is influenced by the laws of nature, the other can defy it. This is sort of like beliefs, they can exists, but if it’s impossible for them to exist in reality these beliefs have no real purpose in reality.
A parent that tells a child he/she is a failure, worthless, etc., that child will grow up believing it and having low self-esteem. Some abused children seek abusive partners later in life because they are so used to that lifestyle and system of beliefs that stemmed from it. They were convinced of it by a trusted parent so strongly that they built their lives around the belief that they are worthless. They commonly seek jobs they know are below their skills, relationships that are guaranteed to fail and explain to others why they are worthless and will never amount to anything with the greatest conviction. There is no need to prove that they are worthless with evidence because they BELIEVE that they are. In their reality no matter how much money they make they are worthless. However in actual reality, that person could be making 3 digit figures, helping others, raising his/her children with love, and be the most talented person in the city. Realization comes when this person realizes that they are unhappy with their lives or thoughts and feelings. Or possible if enough people convince them that they aren’t worthless and that they can handle a prestigious job, and are good enough parents, etc. Although someone’s worth can’t be tested so it isn’t the best example.
Many could have unwittingly put religion into this area of the brain that activates while fantasying or accessing the areas responsible in the brain. I’m not a neurosurgeon or even a doctor, but I know that if something makes sense, it is probably true. What if we find that the areas of the brain responsible for logical thinking, reason, facts or memories, etc. shut off or are in low activity in the areas of the brain that active belief? This isn’t science fiction stuff, it’s happening now. I saw a Dateline on television this week and they operated on a woman with obesity. They might have managed to end her overeating through stimulation of a certain area of her brain responsible for appetite. There is so much more in the show and so much more that no one bothers to notice. So can we agree that if religion is not a fact? Because a fact has to be provable right? Mathematics, Physics, and other absolute rules can’t be altered in reality yet theists let God break the rules. If this is the case how can anyone even begin to comprehend him?
Okay if you believe that your religion has protection from science, physics, history, fact, reason, etc. and that it exists in its own universe with many wormholes, black holes, etc. what makes you think that every other single human being should consider or even be capable of comprehending your beliefs? Let’s call your beliefs your ‘faith’. So your faith requires you to live a certain way, eat certain foods, pray, etc. This faith always stems out to influence your values and create even more beliefs. You start to put these beliefs up against each other in your head if there is cognitive dissonance. How can we see it from your eyes and why should we accept it just because you said so? As said before, people can be taken advantage of if they just believe anything they are told.
So if you have no proof that your belief exist in reality you can’t expect other people that do live in reality to believe it. If you believe your beliefs of God is not held to “man’s” ideals or comprehension then he is simply that; Beyond man’s comprehension. So why would I bother praying and worshiping to an incomprehensible God with incomprehensible standards, ideals, structure, or existence? You might say you believe but remember why should I believe you? The battered woman might choose to keep going back because she ‘believes’ her husband lovers her. But don’t we all look at her sadly and just can’t comprehend why she keeps going back? Because her belief that her husband loves her so much is strong enough to make her take the punishment, rationalize away the doubts, downplays the REALITY of his behavior. It’s the same with religious belief.
We have doubts, concerns, and issues, like that the bible is so full of hatred for homosexuals, his endlessly slaying of innocent people, or the outright silliness of the Jonah and the whale, Noah’s Ark, etc. Once in a while these beliefs come in contact with common sense. Maybe you were reading a bible story your kid and they unwittingly said, “The bible’s like a fairy tale!” to you one night. Perhaps in that moment for a second, you think about it and realize that the bible is quite like fables or old stories and fairy tales. What stops you from seeing it that way? Is it because of all of the evidence? You might try to think of all of the evidence but you come up dry. “Didn’t they find the Ark or something?” you might think. “But it just can’t be… I just can’t be wrong about this…” As the doubt mounts and starts to extend on to other things… But now there is noticeable cognitive dissonance. Our brains work to keep all of our beliefs in sync., or cognitive dissonance. At the mere thought of losing family members, church friends, feeling ousted by society many don’t even prod at the little bit of doubt, but some do. Sometimes our own hopes, beliefs, and desires get in the way of our perception of the reality of things. We are blind to truths that others can see so clearly. We fail to apply that concept of reason and common sense that one belief because it is so important to us, our society, and our world.
Our reality gets affected and influenced by many things. Because of brain chemistry, schizophrenics can believe that everyone is against them, that FBI agents are out to get them, that he/she is Jesus Christ. I have personally seen one in a mental hospital go berserk. He sometimes admitted he was mentally ill and knew he wasn’t Jesus Christ, but it was obvious in his eyes that he didn’t believe it. The doctors must have worked to make him accept that he was mentally ill and was not Jesus, but he still could not ‘believe’ it. Perhaps something in his rational mind realized that things just didn’t make sense, or perhaps once in a while he came to his rational self or gave into accept ‘reality’. I wonder if this was better for him, I wonder if such confusion was worth it. However the purpose of our society and most individuals is to get you to reach the same ideals they have set for you, usually not more than they have to offer or share. If your beliefs are unacceptable or out of sync with the society you live you are ostracized by that society.
There must have been times in people’s lives when they tried to rationalize or explain their beliefs. Such as the batter woman and her husband being a good man. If people ask her about her bruises she might deny they exist or that her husband even hit her. If some people still persist she might admit to it but rationalize that she deserves it. If they pursue and the husband gets wind and beats her, she may even blame the concerned people. At this point I imagine most people would back off or say ‘to hell with her’. If someone did attempt to further convince her that her husband is a jerk she might even go on the attack him.
As soon as we are born impressions are made upon us by anything and everything we can comprehend and take in with our senses. The brain is very complex however more and more is being discovered about it. No single person can be the same so how can one single person’s perception of reality be the same? It’s physically impossible to be identical with someone because we each have a different perception or consciousness. We become bias, This is why If in your reality you believe in things even though they have no evidence or proof and in fact makes no sense logically, that’s fine. However, I choose to apply logic and reason in my reality or my ‘perception’ of reality. I think this makes me safer because all of my beliefs are up for being thought on and reasoned with. I don’t need to learn how to live my life because I know what I feel and I know that what makes me happy doesn’t make another person happy. I can see how millions lived before me, what they did and how it went.
You might not want to believe that everything you thought you knew wasn’t really true. Many women are too fearful of what she will lose if she investigates a bit and finds out he was cheating. Maybe it is better to forget about that doubt or concern and put it in the back of your head. s revealed as untrue. To us in reality we don’t understand why this woman keeps going back and taking the abuse. I understand you, because I was you.
All I did was ask a single question that placed my belief in God and religion in the same mind field of logic, reason, and common sense as I did with every other belief, concept, decision, etc. As I moved my belief along the fields of human history, psychology, physics, etc. it took more and more damage. Eventually it just clicked and a ‘knew’ that God doesn’t exist in reality. I never stopped and never looked back.
After I had stopped keeping my ‘belief’ in God and the bible. They went together as a pair like identical twins. There was God and religion, never God or religion
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Best advice to a Suicidal Person
Well, while I feel saddened by suicides, I respect people's right to their own bodies. Also, as someone who was suicidal for a number of years as a child while living in a very abusive home, I can understand that level of pain. Some people talk about how, after a suicidal episode, people can't understand why they wanted to kill themselves, but I always knew why afterwards. It was more about finding a tiny thing to see the joy or good in than not knowing and feeling my own pain.
Also, you can't just get over depression or suicidal level emotional pain. Even nearly a decade later, I still have times where I have trouble coping with memories of things that happened to me. It is not as if you could just snap your fingers and get happy, that's not how it works. "I'm tired of people telling me not to give up and to keep trying, yet when i fail to get better they make me feel guilty about being who i am." These people seem to lack a basic understanding about how you feel. 'Just keep swimming' doesn't get you very far when you are in such terrible emotional pain that you would prefer death. You aren't suicidal because you like being overdramatic and a party pooper, you are suicidal because you are emotionally suffering.
"Imagine feeling constant pain and misery and someone telling you that you have to endure through it. That's what being suicidal and depressed is like." I think it might benefit you from trying to discuss these things with other people with similar diagnosis (I don't know your exact diagnosis), because other people with similar issues will get how you feel and won't put unreasonable expectations on you. If you aren't opposed to meds, you could try switching types or doses (though meds don't work for everyone, and not everyone wants to use them). Also, personally, when I was suicidal, looking at a small picture instead of big picture goal was helpful. I couldn't live for **** like 'my future', but I could live for the next release of a favorite book series or a favorite lunch at school.
Also, you can't just get over depression or suicidal level emotional pain. Even nearly a decade later, I still have times where I have trouble coping with memories of things that happened to me. It is not as if you could just snap your fingers and get happy, that's not how it works. "I'm tired of people telling me not to give up and to keep trying, yet when i fail to get better they make me feel guilty about being who i am." These people seem to lack a basic understanding about how you feel. 'Just keep swimming' doesn't get you very far when you are in such terrible emotional pain that you would prefer death. You aren't suicidal because you like being overdramatic and a party pooper, you are suicidal because you are emotionally suffering.
"Imagine feeling constant pain and misery and someone telling you that you have to endure through it. That's what being suicidal and depressed is like." I think it might benefit you from trying to discuss these things with other people with similar diagnosis (I don't know your exact diagnosis), because other people with similar issues will get how you feel and won't put unreasonable expectations on you. If you aren't opposed to meds, you could try switching types or doses (though meds don't work for everyone, and not everyone wants to use them). Also, personally, when I was suicidal, looking at a small picture instead of big picture goal was helpful. I couldn't live for **** like 'my future', but I could live for the next release of a favorite book series or a favorite lunch at school.
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